I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
