Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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