life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...