Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
