a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
my shit smells like andre
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
