Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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