SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
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