I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Randomize
