I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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