Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
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