it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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