My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Randomize
