she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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