There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.