Texts From Last Night

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  (917): View more from New York City

  I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now

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  (917): I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now http://tfl.nu/4qek
  Replies (22) Good night (4431) Bad night (869)
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  No, drunk sperm still make babies.

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  (913): No, drunk sperm still make babies. http://tfl.nu/xn33
  Replies (15) Good night (1115) Bad night (5657)
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  (585): View more from New York

  lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time

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  (585): lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time http://tfl.nu/tppe
  Replies (9) Good night (4863) Bad night (737)
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest

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  (732): just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest http://tfl.nu/tjgh
  Replies (13) Good night (4326) Bad night (975)
• Favorite

  (716): View more from New York

  I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately

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  (716): I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately http://tfl.nu/htr3
  Replies (3) Good night (2544) Bad night (911)
• Favorite

  (270): View more from Kentucky

  and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown

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  (270): and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown http://tfl.nu/vz9q
  Replies (14) Good night (3313) Bad night (1019)
• Favorite

  (206): View more from Washington

  Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?

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  (206): Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me? http://tfl.nu/2o7o
  Replies (8) Good night (1488) Bad night (581)
• Favorite

  (917): View more from New York City

  hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.

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  (917): hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog. http://tfl.nu/99w0
  Replies (9) Good night (2049) Bad night (747)
• Favorite

  (604): View more from British Columbia

  You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance

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  (604): You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance http://tfl.nu/i8te
  Replies (2) Good night (1520) Bad night (584)
• Favorite

  (970): View more from Colorado

  Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy

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  (970): Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy http://tfl.nu/dxdl
  Replies (7) Good night (2569) Bad night (594)
• Favorite

  (954): View more from Florida

  aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection

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  (954): aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection http://tfl.nu/vqm1
  Replies (4) Good night (587) Bad night (1113)
• Favorite

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.

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  (617): I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug. http://tfl.nu/jnbd
  Replies (3) Good night (1109) Bad night (492)
• Favorite

  (440): View more from Ohio

  The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.

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  (440): The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult. http://tfl.nu/70ah
  Replies (5) Good night (688) Bad night (415)
• Favorite

  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  i need some food

  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.

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  (724): i need some food (412): Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him. http://tfl.nu/mb52
  Replies (9) Good night (692) Bad night (746)
• Favorite

  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.

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  (262): I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger. http://tfl.nu/vt6v
  Replies (6) Good night (770) Bad night (432)

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