I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
