20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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