She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
