Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
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That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
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and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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