Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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