both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Randomize
