How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
