The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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