If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
