if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
