So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
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