I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
