Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
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