You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Randomize
