Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
