pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Randomize
