at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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