i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Randomize
