i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
