tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
