whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
