whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
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