i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
