My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
