i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
