I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
