I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
