my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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