Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
