I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
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We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
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We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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