Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Pappa wants mamma naked
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
My vagina is officially offended.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
