he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
