Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
