that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Randomize
