Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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