woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
