I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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