Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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