I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
