its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
