You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
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My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
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Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
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