Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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